About a year ago, I realized that I had managed to gain back a significant amount of the 80 pounds that I had previously lost and kept off for two whole years. I had returned to bad habits, using chocolate and cheeseburgers as a panacea for stress and discomfort (of which there was a great deal in my life for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was my poor judgment when it comes to men but I’ve already covered that: https://candidchaos.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/red-flags-or-how-to-spot-warts/).
Instead of making a change as soon as I’d realized what I’d done, I started feeling hopeless and helpless: “gee…I’ve already turned myself back into a blimp….might as well order a pizza and stay in and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls all night”. And thus perpetuated the vicious cycle: you feel like crap so you eat, which makes you gain weight–then you feel even crappier so you eat even more, and you repeat the cycle until you are ashamed to go out in public.
Since I had gained weight that I had previously lost and kept off, my sense of failure was even greater than when I had gained it in the first place. I had undone all of my hard work, proven all of the naysayers (“she lost it but can she actually keep it off”) right.
Then something unthinkable happened. I turned 29. I realized I could spend the next year eating increasingly more food and feeling increasingly more powerless, or I could stop the cycle by doing what I did to lose weight the first go-round. And yes, it would be frustrating to start over again, but it would be even more frustrating to spend my 30th birthday in a mu-mu with no one to keep me company but the Gilmore Girls and a bag of potato chips.
So I went back to square one and tried not to feel too badly about it. (After all, progress is rarely linear!)
I have experienced some success and have received some encouraging comments from friends:
“hey, what happened to the other half of your face?”
“I saw you walking from my office window…you’re not walking like a fat lady anymore, you were walking in a straight line!!!”
“Your stomach isn’t leading anymore…you’re leading with a different part of your anatomy now…as it should be.”
I am glad to have friends who share my belief that taking yourself too seriously is the quickest route to failure in any endeavour. In this spirit, here is an account of my journey thus far in haikus:
The joys of ice-skating
Gliding freely WEEEE!!!!!!
Uh oh Oh Crap CRASH OWWWWW $%^&*&#!!!!!
Forgot how to stop…
Sweat dripping, hell YEAH!
Running–going to puke–boo yah!
Still craving mars bar….
Stillness Breathing ommmmmm
Zen and peace flowing through me
Shit….where are my keys?
Veggies fill the cart….
Fruit, dairy, whole grains, oh MY!!!!!
Uh oh, candy aisle….
Walking home from work part 1: success
Hot dog vendors call my name…
Must be strong, onward!
Walking home from work part 2: setback (also known as “burger amnesia”)
Burger and fries please.
Tender tasty, warms my lips….
How did I get here???!!!!!
Late night office eating part 1: setback
Deadline looming AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
Calm down you freak, have some chips.
Late night office eating part 2: triumph
Deadline looming AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Tuna sandwich; celery!
Hypothermic workout part 1
Running by the sea,
Who dares confront frigid breeze?
Hypothermic workout part 2
T-shirt and capris,
Running beside tuques and scarves,
Whispers “west coast wimps!”
Getting back on the wagon part 1
Turn to burgers chips and fries.
Don’t whine. Start again!
Getting back on the wagon part 2
Unhand that French fry!
Waddle out the door and jog!
You’ll be glad you did.
Getting back on the wagon part 3
Fell off wagon owwww….
Chocolate wrappers surround…..
Sweep them up; rebound!